i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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