Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
