sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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