I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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