Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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