I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
