i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
