No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
