You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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