I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
