Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
