My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
