i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
