Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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