My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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