I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
