Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
