Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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