never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
