I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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