I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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