How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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