You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i think my cat just said my name.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
