haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
