I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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