At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
