i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
