i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
