I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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