I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
