I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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