So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
