I met the friendliest cop last night
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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