I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
