hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
