I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
