Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
she pinky promised me she was 18
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
