someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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