How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
