Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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