at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
