My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
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