You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
