I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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