FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
