she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
