just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
