I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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