I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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