Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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