i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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