he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
