Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
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still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
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I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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