believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
