Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
