Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
