The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
