I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
