A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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