I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
