I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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