is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
