just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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