According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
