I can't watch pbs sober anymore
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
