I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize