i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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